I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
