There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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