Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
