I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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