She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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