i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
