its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
