This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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