You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
