I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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