The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
