I'm so fucking centered right now
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
