apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Alive.
So much puke
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
