Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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