Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
