why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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