I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
