Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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