I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
