I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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