Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
