It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
