Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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