it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
