Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
