You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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