I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
