Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
3pm strippers are depressing
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
