i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
