break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
