All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
