That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
