I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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