so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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