how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
