my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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