My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
