What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
two words...techno handjob
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
