my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Randomize
