all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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