just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
soo... how was my night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
