Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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