Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
