Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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