you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
