There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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