I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Terrible idea I love it
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
