I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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