my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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