pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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