i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
