in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
