If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
