So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
