it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
