I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize