I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
