Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
