i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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