She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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