those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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