Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
