I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
