Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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