its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have tasted many bathrooms
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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