She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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