Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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