you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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