my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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