found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
