I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
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