I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
