There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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